Rage-Face Angry Pants

So, I read this article from Psychology Today. After a discussion with my significant other (who intelligently neglected to assert whether or not she thought I had a problem with being rage-face angry pants) we decided their “steps” wouldn’t work for me. Here’s why.

1. Be Aware of Your Triggers

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(Image from funnyjunk.com)

 

 

So… everything? Being “conscious” and “watchful” of things like overuse of the word “literally;” drivers who think that smoking, texting, and putting on an atrocious shade of lipstick won’t make them kill themselves and everyone else on the road; Writers who claim the title but never do any actual, you know, WRITING; cunt-nugget in laws who can’t even be bothered to– wait. Won’t go there. Point is, they’re everywhere. What am I supposed to do, live under a fucking rock?

2. Ask yourself, “Is it worth it?”

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(Image from ukcolumn.com)

 

 

Fucking duh. You ever felt the adrenaline rush that comes after a satisfying 5k run? I haven’t, but I imagine it’s like that.

3. Find Another Outlet

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(Image from metacafe.com)

 

 

But rage-facing IS my outlet. It’s either that, or end up on cops with my face ear-deep in the mud.

4. Practice Calming Mantras and Sayings

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Image from lifeinprogress.ca

 

OooooommmmmI’mGonnaFuckingKillYou

OooooommmmmYou’reATwatWaffle

OoooooommmmmIfISeeYouAgainIMightExplode

OooooommmmmHateHateStabStab

FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck

CuntCUNTCuntCUNTCuntCUNT

Actually, I take it back. I could probably get into that one. 

10 Things That Are Awesome… because AWESOME

It’s Wednesday, which is ALMOST as good as Friday because it’s halfway TO Friday and… 

I lost my train of thought. Probably for the best. Let’s talk about awesome things, k? K.

 

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1. Color change straws

Girlfriend has this thing where she can’t sip a mixed drink straight from the cup; she HAS to have a straw. So, the other night she went out and bought straws (in her Pjs and slippers because she can). GUYS. These things change color with temperature: pink to purple, blue to pink, yellow to green… it’s AWESOME, especially when you’re drunk and the little fingerprints you leave along the straw as you drink change color too.

2. Fairy tales

Not the Disneyfied ones. Those are watered down blah (unless you’re talking about Peter Pan and don’t you DARE diss Peter Pan if you value your life). Ever read the original version of The Little Mermaid? HOMEWORK! Read it. While you’re at it, track down all the originals that Disney fucked up and prepare to be both terrified and fascinated. 

3. Guilty pleasure Netflix marathons

TV rots your brain, or so they say. But I say we’re adults and things like alcohol and children rot our brains faster, so *sticks tongue out* There are few things that can compare to finding a new favorite show (mine is ONCE UPON A TIME) and devouring ALL OF THE SEASONS in 2-3 sessions. Make sure there’s snacks and beer. AWESOME.

4. Trips down musical memory lane

I shit you not, I bought not one, but TWO CDs over the last month. I know, weird, right? They were NSYNC’s No Strings Attached and Justin Timberlake’s first solo album, Justified. Why? BECAUSE THEY’RE AWESOME. 

5. Silk-based bone healing?

Seriously. Awesome.

6. The TARDIS

If I have to explain the awesome, we can’t be friends anymore.

7. THE GUN SELLER by Hugh Laurie

You may know him as Dr. House, but Hugh Laurie ALSO wrote a book, and that book is fucking awesome. Crime thriller meets British humor with descriptions that make a person cringe (like “ears that looked like they’d been chewed up and spit back out on the sides of his head, albeit unevenly”). If your library doesn’t have a copy, just buy it. 

8. Melted snow

Sure, we COULD just call it water, but that would completely negate the trauma of the last 6 months. IT’S SPRING, BITCHES!

9. Girlfriends with a can-do attitude and an obsession with clean things

I will never have to clean the oven, or dust the fans, or replace light bulbs, or scrub the bathroom. Be jealous.

10. New. Harry. Potter. Movies.

Just let it sink in a moment. You feel that? That’s bliss. 

 

Now I want to know all about your awesome things. GIMME GIMME GIMME!

 

25 Universal Truths as Told by the Magus of Existential Nothingness (AKA – Me.)

1. Traditional publishing is a long, long, LONG process.

It’s April. I signed my contract with Melange Books last September. That’s 7 months of waiting and GUESS WHAT? The waiting continues. Am I complaining? Absolutely. Would I change it? Probably not. Like childbirth, once I get to see the long-awaited cover and final edits, all the previous pain will be a distant memory. 

2. And it’s stressful as hell.

Every email is like a bomb waiting to explode. On the bright side, I feel like one of those CSI bomb squad techs every time I open an email and it’s from Amazon or Hulu offering me shit.

3. So is writing.

The longer you stick with this writing thing, the harder it becomes. The funny part is IT’S ALL YOUR OWN FAULT. Simple plots become layered, twisted timelines and complicated back story that are ALL ESSENTIAL but are also a great big pain in the ass. 

4. To combat the stress of writing, you can write.

Seriously. BARD’S CHOICE is getting to be one of the more complicated things I’ve written (see above) and it stresses me out. So, I did what any self-respecting writer does — I ignored it. Well, pushed it away so I could admire it from afar. THEN started YET ANOTHER WIP called LOST AND FOUND. The plan is that it will be an uplifting magical realism novella that I will probably never publish. The “never publish” bit is what makes it fun. This is for me and me only. I may let Renee and Hanna read it but that’s because they’re creative torturers. 

5. A little magic helps.

I’ve tried to write literary fiction. I’ve tried to write “commercial” fiction with no speculative element. I hate them both. Magic is awesome.

6. So does bacon.

This needs no explanation. Bacon helps ALL.

7. When all else fails, find the funny.

I find that when I’m stuck in a writing rut, trying to read books that require me to think or are similar to what I’m trying to write ONLY makes the situation worse. The best way to free up your brain, in my opinion, is to read something purely for entertainment. For me, those are books like ME TALK PRETTY ONE DAY by David Sedaris, LET’S PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED by Jenny Lawson, and pretty much anything by Christopher Moore, Tom Holt, and Susan Jane Gilman.

8. Obsession does cool things.

When you love a subject, character, spell, place, thing, and put it in your book, you adore your work. Adoration keeps the words coming.

9. Most of the time.

BUT, it also makes it THAT much harder to hear constructive criticism as anything but an idiot mucking up your lovely, lovely words. Also, stalking is bad, mmkay?

10. Okay, so, rarely.

Shut up.

11. I can feel you judging me and it hurts.

Writers have feelings too, you know.

12. No it doesn’t. I am a judgement devouring cyborg from the planet Zarfor.

Take me to your leader.

13. And a liar. Sorry.

Not sorry.

14. Know what else is stressful? Queries.

First, you have to write the thing. Then, you tear it apart and write it again. Then there’s the synopsis (kill me, please). THEN you send that bad boy out to a multitude of agents, presses, and editors so they can tell you how much it doesn’t work/you suck/better luck next year, sucka. For those of you who follow me on twitter (@authorkatm) you know I’m querying a MS called SACRIFICIAL LAMB CAKE. I’d tell you how it’s going, but…

15. I need a drink.

But it’s only 9:30am, so I’ll wait. *wink*

16. Things took a dark turn there. Let’s move on.

Keep on keepin’ on and such.

17. Your favorite author, no matter how many books they’ve sold, still freak out about reviews. Except James Patterson.

It makes me feel a thousand times better when I see that titans like Neil Gaiman still worry that their books won’t be received well. Misery loves company and all that. 

18. If your favorite author is James Patterson, I’d like to introduce you to my man-eating couch.

Jealous. So, so jealous.

19. Bunk beds from IKEA are proof that Hell is real.

Two hours, three adults, several cups of coffee, and a multitude of random injuries. You do the math. 

20. Further proof: seven-year-olds.

Seven going on sixteen with an attitude the size of Jupiter. <Insert deity of your choice> help me.

21. Also six-year-olds.

MOMCANIHAVEADRINK MOMCANIHAVESOMEYOGURT MOMCANIWATCHTV MOMCANICOMEINTHEBATHROOMWITHYOU

22. But they’re funny, so it all evens out.

Kaley: You’re old.

Abby: Mom’s not old.

Kaley: ?

Abby: She’s super old. 

Me: I’m 27.

Abby: Super, SUPER old. Like grandma.

23. I seriously thought I would only make it to, like, four on this list.

Hooray for us!

24. Shows how little I know.

NOTHING.

25. Okay, so, slightly more than nothing, which is just the right amount.

There’s always some fun discovery to make. Like, did you know that tangerines go bad? Seriously. When they’re super soft, you shouldn’t eat them. In an unrelated event, my tummy hurts and we’re out of toilet paper. Little help?